Dream Deferred

A Dream Deferred
by
Langston Hughes

What happens to a dream deferred? Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet? Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load. Or does it explode?

This poem always reminds me of high school AP English when I was a junior.  We had to write an essay about it, and to the disappointment of our teacher, most of us expounded on the mysteries of the unconscious mind at night.  Of all the brightest young minds of West Valley High School, only a couple students had the insight to speculate on how people react to goals and ambitions gone awry.  

Fast forward 20 years to the present:  this year I dared to dream big.  This year was meant to be the year of accomplishing goals, realizing dreams, and getting a fresh start.  In the forefront of this dream were my chance to run in the Boston marathon and the opportunity to start grad school in clinical psychology.  I started gearing up for the grad school part of it two summers ago, when I decided it was time to make a sincere stab at it.  I had a bit of a false start that fall, but I got myself an internship and started volunteering on a suicide hotline.  With some bouts of intense work, I got my applications in this last winter, and then waited to see what happened.  And who would've guessed it, but I got an interview at my top school!  The odds were so slim that I dared to hope it was meant to be and that some power greater than myself would help it all work out so I could start my new life as a grad student this fall.  

Part of my dream actually did come true: through my volunteer work on the Samaritans suicide hotline, I got the opportunity to be on their Boston marathon charity team.  After months of being in limbo as a backup runner, I finally got my own bib number, paid my entry fee, and became a full-on official Boston marathon charity runner.  This news sent me into ecstatic elation (dampened only slightly by the fear of whether I am truly able to raise the required $5000). The same week I learned my big dream of running THE Boston Marathon was coming true, I found out my dreams were also being deflated.  I wasn't chosen to join the clinical psychology lab I interviewed with, and without any other interviews in the works, grad school was a solid bust.  The consolation prize of being one of 700 invited to the department for interviews and one of 100 competing for the lone spot in that particular lab was not enough to placate the bitter disappointment of being so close I could touch my dream and then see it slip through my fingertips like sand.  Was it too good to be true?  I don't think so; I think it could just as easily have become a reality, but now it leaves me with the question, what happens to a dream deferred?  

That's where I am now: trying to weigh my dream, seeing what it looks like when I hold it up to the light, turning it over and looking for the leaks, figuring out what to make of it and where to go now.  At least for the moment, I still have the Boston marathon part of the dream strong and healthy, and I am all consumed with marathon training and fundraising, which is plenty a feat to keep me busy for the time being!  I'll soon figure out what the rest of my dream deferred looks like.